undoubtedly my effort stopped working. the letter is mostly incoherent. mainly misspelled and rambling. i put on'' t understand why i simply read it to myself rather of erasing it. i simply returned today from being secured an optimal security psych ward for 10 days. it was hell. no windows. just 10 minutes of outdoors time daily. dirty sheets. dreadful food. 3 telephone call a day for 5 minutes at a time. and no treatment or medication. i truthfully can'' t think i didn ' t hang myself inside or attempt to flee.
on the 30th i attempted to eliminate myself. my 3rd effort. the 2nd time i'' ve attempted it with tablets and alcohol (idk why i believed this time would be various). i plainly blacked out. i'' m having an actually weird sensation today. i'' m distressed from the experience of being secured. and i'' m not any much better. i still wish to eliminate myself. i'' m embarrassed. I'' m horrified of stopping working once again and being locked up once again. i can'' t even articulate the scaries of what i'' ve experienced over the last 10 days. i wouldn'' t dream it on my worst opponent. it was 24/7 abuse and embarrassment.
i seem like i wish to share my suicide letter, due to the fact that i desire individuals to comprehend the depths of my anguish. i wear'' t understand if i sent it to anybody. When i returned to it for the very first time in 10 days, it was simply open on my computer system. i'' m sort of scared that i sent it out to folks however i have no other way to inspect and in either case, i most likely distressed some individuals. prior to i blacked out i sent out some frightening text to some buddies and frightened a great deal of them. That message was readable and articulate. this one i simply discovered on my computer system is desperate and so pitiful, i wish to weep for the individual who composed it (although it was me!).
an excerpt: “” I have actually lived a fortunate life. I have had a household who enjoys me. I’’ m grateful. I have actually harmed individuals. I am sorry. I can never ever be forgiven on this mortal aircraft. I am ending my own suffering.
[redacted individuals], and others The depths of my cruelness understand no bounds. I’’ m sorry I couldn ’ t be much better.
I hope that my love and forgiveness will take me to paradise.
I am sorry god. I am sorry for whatever. I am sorry for not being much better. I am sorry. I hope that you will offer me forgiveness and understanding in the afterlife.
God I think in your power. I think in a good-hearted ruler who will discharge me of my sins. I an desperate. I provide my life over to you. To bring me to paradise. I give me peace. Through your knowledge and grace and empathy you will assist me to tranquility and understanding.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me for my sins. For my selfishness. For my codependence and love dependency. For my abuse. This is the only method I can apologize. I’’ m sorry.”
there ' s 2 more pages of this, and it'' s primarily the exact same. asking forgiveness to my buddies and household and previous fans. i wear'' t understand why i ' m composing this.'i desire i had a weapon. i ' m such a fucking useless piece of shit. i simply went through hell. god offered me a 3rd possibility (THREE CHANCES AT LIFE!! THREE SUICIDE ATTEMPTS THAT ALL FAILED!!) and yet here i am, damaged and frail simply as unpleasant as i was when i composed that note.
i put on'' t understand why i ' m composing this. perhaps you might understand. i might utilize some love today.
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